Kirkland McCauley gave his wife an elephant for her birthday. It was not a present she liked or understood, and it made a mess on her carpets. In fact it remained the elephant in the room, the unspoken horror that separated them for the remaining three days of their marriage.

Kirkland bought his present on the Internet. These days it's easy to be imaginative. Simply scroll through ebay or Google 'present' and the choice is, if not unlimited, at least very, very wide. It ranges from a pampering days to skydiving, having a star named after somebody to buying a set of champagne flutes.

But being imaginative is not enough, as Mrs McCauley was quick to tell her husband of the moment. The miracle of having a mobile phone that meant he could access the Internet, and thereby arrange such transactions as buying an elephant while down the pub with his friends, did not compensate for the inconvenience. And anyway he always knew she never liked grey.

So choosing suitable christmas or birthday presents is an art form requiring a mixture of diplomacy, creativity, sensitivity, and inspiration.

The world wide web is a great help opening up lots of opportunities. But this is not the entire picture.

'Unusual' is never enough. Being impractical is not enough, although it can help. After all, who likes a practical present - an ironing board, new saucepan or paint roller?

'Frivolous' often helps, as does 'extravagance' - or at least the appearance of either or both.

Finding a gift on the basis you have always wanted one yourself is certainly a no no. What wife wants the almost complete set of Charlton Athletic football programmes, 1967 to 1983 - missing only the April 1971 Accrington Stanley game?

Choosing something 'worthy' or that sends a message is worse. Time at boot camp rarely does the job.

'So 'appropriate', possibly in a witty way, is the most important gift adjective - but appropriate to the receiver not the giver. But the worst that can happen is that the gift 'says more' about the giver's interests than those of the receiver. The best that can happen is that the giver receives in return more appreciation of their thoughtfulness and sensitivity.

Meanwhile Kirkland went back to his job at the zoo a wiser man, and Mrs McCauley was remarried to a big game hunter who always brought her gift sets - and jewellery, and chocolates and only the occasional subscription to Rifles and Telescopic Sights magazine.